Sunday, March 30, 2014

Abandoning Facebook and Places You Can Never Return To.

Today I decided to abandon Facebook for the foreseeable future. I haven't been posting much over there lately with the two jobs and everything, so I had already had the thought in the back of my mind.

The final straw was realizing the misery I was causing for myself by logging on and looking at the photos and stories of everyone else's happiness, vacations, adventures and general good times.

I haven't had a vacation since I've lived here. In fact, as I was running out to the store earlier this morning, I started asking myself why I had chosen to live in such a miserable place. I know why I did it. Because there's this one little part of town, by the water, which reminds me of a place I used to go during the summers when I was growing up.

I work two jobs, bust my ass and break my body every day just to start worrying about having enough money to make it to the next paycheck two days after payday. And then I tell myself that I chose this life because it's honorable. I did this to myself. I made the choices in this life that painted me so far into a corner that I'll never truly live life ever again. Penance.

So yes, I've left Facebook to avoid having to be reminded that normal people live in nice houses, go on more than one vacation a year and are generally happy. I spent all my happy years ago. I have no idea how to relate other than to rage when I see that photo from someone's vacation in the one place I was ever truly happy in my entire life. The one place I can never return to because I've failed so badly as an adult that I couldn't even afford the gas to return there for a day trip.

I'm nearing 40, it keeps creeping up on me bit by bit. Soon I'll be too broken to continue in the jobs I hold now. And I have no idea whatsoever how I'm going to deal with it when they cut me loose because I'm too old and can't keep up anymore.

I couldn't hack it as a photographer. I see that other photographers I knew back in the day are ridiculously successful. I quit because I couldn't figure out how to make money at it.

I couldn't hack it in broadcasting. I threw myself in wholeheartedly and when push came to shove, I never figured out how to turn contacts into an opportunity.

I really didn't want to be career in either restaurant or retail management. I could have, but I had no urge to live those punishing hours forever.

I went to school for agriculture. Years later and I haven't even come close to paying for school with my work in the industry.

All I have is shitty manual labor jobs. And myriad talents that I could never parlay into anything lucrative.

All my life I've gone head first into those things that I thought I wanted most. And every time, I've burned myself for doing so.

My grandma always used to caution me about burning the candle at both ends, yet, at this point in my life, I have no other choice but to beat myself to death slowly in order to maintain a status quo that keeps everyone happy but me.

Is it too much to ask to go out and have a drink with friends (I have none)? Is it too much to ask to have some of the locals here tell me where the good secret hideaways are after six years of knowing nobody and nothing? Is it too much to ask that I don't have to work every damn paid vacation I may get from my night job just to keep things on even keel while my coworkers are out fishing and waterskiing and lounging on beaches?

I can't even get so far as the damn poultry auction, which is somewhere I need to go from time to time as part of my day job.

I wish I could jettison this life, it's a waste anyway.

So if you don't see me on Facebook, it's because I'm working. All the damn time. Working to pay for other people's happiness. All while I'm destined to be stuck in my own personal hell forever.

I was working on a novel back in November for Nanowrimo. I got pretty far into it before job(s) took me away from the computer. It was intended to be a requiem for the place I'll never return to. And in having not been able to finish the work, I suppose I kept a small sliver of hope alive that one day I'll be able to go back.

That's what's eating at me now. That small sliver of hope that I really need to let go of. Because looking at photos of friends and family in speedboats in that place for spring break is killing me.

Friday, February 21, 2014

Ghosts of Heartbreaks Past... a confessional post.

Been having a bit of a hard time this past few weeks. Car broke down, in trouble at work, allergies are back already and I can't hear a thing out of my left side. All of this has contributed to a melancholy mood and dredged up a bunch of old dirt that I had planned to leave laying dead where it was.

For some reason, I've been pondering love recently. Not practical, realistic love, which is a commitment rather than a feeling. No, I've been pondering infatuation and romantic love and why that feeling eventually goes away, either slowly or in a huge explosion of hurt. Of course, that got me thinking of all the men in my past who have left me emotionally wrecked.

Apparently, I have really bad taste in men. It's improved over the years, but I sure have picked a bunch of bums. Now it's time to admit more than I should to friends and strangers, just as a way to shake some of the weird stuff that decided to clog my thought processes this week.

There were the married men. Oh yeah. I admit it. 

Two of them. The first I saw for over three years. He introduced his wife to me as his ex-wife. Guess they had an arrangement because neither could afford to pay for the divorce. Things started getting serious when all of a sudden he played the "I need you to pay for my divorce" card. That guy got more than his share of karma and I prefer to not admit to having known him.

The second? It's even worse than a little fling. This happened, presumably, as a rebound after the first married man fiasco. Please understand, this was in my early 20's... I wasn't making good decisions about anything back then. He was so damn cute and sweet and funny. And totally married. I should have known better, but I fell hard for him and suffered for about six months before I would date again after that ended.

Which led to dating an old friend of an old friend. That ended badly too. Which coincided with my incessant chasing of another man who ignored my advances like a pro for years.

Finally, I ended up settling for someone who wasn't right, ending up married and divorced and much poorer and worse off emotionally for it.

In the end, that one guy who ignored my advances ended up giving me a chance. He's stuck with me now... and it was worth the effort.

You have to wonder why the fire and passion goes out of relationships so easily. The longing and need to be with someone somehow exponentially increases when it's a forbidden relationship. As does the heartbreak when everything blows up in the end. Oh, and the longing of a terrible crush that you can't shake.

Relationships are about 10% heart and 100% commitment. It doesn't seem that way in the beginning, but that's what it is. You fall into your routines and the next thing you know, that person you were so crazy passionate about, well, you start to look at them like anyone else you see everyday. Married folks: don't you ever wonder why you look forward to seeing friends or coworkers more than you do your spouse? You look forward to going home, but it's not because you can't wait to be with that person you once so passionately pursued and longed for constantly when you were apart.

You never want that feeling to go away. The feeling of a new, fresh relationship that keeps you wanting more. Yet it does. The fire you feel when you have a new crush - that should last forever. Doesn't the person you chose to be with forever deserve that passion?

It's probably mating instinct that causes those passionate feelings in a new relationship. Sure, there's something logical that explains why that level of emotions cannot continue in a permanent lifetime relationship. Either that or humans are easily bored with one another. Yes, relationships take work.

Hold it here. Work? As in what you should be paid to tolerate? Work.

One of my dreaded exes told me once that a relationship couldn't work if it was 50-50. If both aren't giving 100%, it's not going to work. Good advice, though it was shamefully coming from a player who had several secret girlfriends who I had suspicions about, but was happy enough to ignore. I was such a terrible fool. Once again, I really need to stop talking about *that* one. He had a serious Casanova complex and thought he was above the law, though he always advised others contrary to his actions.

Casanova man... well, he got what was coming to him. I figured out what happened to him by accident one day. I know where he is. I could contact him and let him know I forgive him for all the bullshit. If I wanted to. But honestly, I'm too embarrassed for having been involved with such a douchepuppy that I'd rather not think about it.

I digress.

You've probably heard the term "married, not dead." Yes, I get that. I look. I think, no, know, that hubby looks too. I've got my fandoms and my imaginary mancrushes. I just wish I had more passion in my life... though it's nice to not have the inevitable heartbreak on the downside.


"By definition, a crush must hurt. And they do. Just like the one I have on you."

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Was upset by this...

This morning as I was enjoying a few minutes of time to unwind between jobs, I came across this headline:
"Teen in critical condition after shooting at UPS in Jackson"
News Story Here

UPS goes out of their way to promote safety in and out of their buildings, pushing health and responsible behavior. It's hard to imagine someone being shot as they walked out to their car at the end of a shift. UPS is a weapon-free zone and should be expected to be safe.

I feel so horrible for this kid. Nobody expects to be winding up in critical condition when all you were doing was going out to your car at the end of the day.

I know this blog doesn't have a very wide reach, but could you all please pass this around and see if we can get any witnesses to step forward?

Remember: after dark, make sure to take precautions to protect yourself from assaults. Have your keys out and ready before you leave your destination. I like to have the key ring looped around a finger so I can't drop them, with the car key sticking out between fingers to gouge eyes in case I'm ever jumped. Stay in groups. If you are uncomfortable, have someone walk you out to your car. Check the back seat for intruders before getting in, same with hatchbacks.

The above tips won't prevent a parking lot shooting, but they can help keep you safe.

Best wishes and a speedy recovery to the young man in the story. Bless you, bro.

Monday, February 3, 2014

One of those weird days

I seem to be channeling my inner disgruntled pre-teen fangirl self today. Not good.

Remember those days when you were a little lovesick puppy staring at a poster of some celeb, listening to sad love songs, or happy love songs, but love songs all the same?

It's Dokken night here. Mushy lyrics aside, those guys could shred.

I'm not succeeding in cheering myself up, but hey, at least I'm in the company of "old friends."

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Pretty Girls on a Bruce Campbell High

The best photo from Portland doesn't even have Bruce in it. This is what happy fangirls look like on a Bruce Campbell high.

I still have photos to sort and edit. This will take a while!

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Shatner responded to my tweets!

Ha! Pretty awesome. Shocked that my fellow UPS'ers didn't jump all over this, but hey...

Fangirl attempts to start a UPS vs. Fedex Twitter war...

Yes, I have a bit of UPS pride. I couldn't resist trying to take this conversation between William Shatner and Bruce Campbell in a different direction:

Of course, Fedex was quick on the draw too. And then the puns started...

Ha! Fun stuff.

I'm going to have to head over to the other job in a bit. It's going to be hard acclimating to skipping my afternoon nap from now until November.