I feel it's time to confess the real reason I started this silly little blog o'things that nobody cares about but me.
I suffer from a strange affliction: Writer's Anxiety. Worse than writer's block, my anxiety is twofold: First, I cannot (or could not) stand to let anyone read anything I've written. This excludes silly Facebook posts and apparently, this blog. Second, I cannot return to any writing project that I've saved and walked away from without having a full-on panic attack. I go to click on the file name and my heart starts racing, my hands get sweaty and if I manage to open the file, I start to hyperventilate until I have to close the file and walk away again.
Imagine the musician who can't touch their instrument without losing it; an actor who cannot bear to even look at his script. That's me. A writer who cannot write. Utterly useless. A bibliophobe is one who is afraid of books, I'm not sure what you'd call me.
So, as I will turn 35 this year, I decided I was running out of time to do something creative. I've devised a therapy plan for myself in the hopes of overcoming my anxiety.
Phase one is writing this blog. This keeps me writing, even if it is topical stuff that nobody cares about. It also forces me to get used to the idea of letting people read my writing.
Phase two is to start writing actual stories again. I was going to start with short stories I could finish in one sitting, avoiding the anxiety of having to open the file again after the fact. In reality, I decided I'd get something written for a larger project I've been pondering. Now I'll have to see if I can return to it in a few days with no ill effects.
Cross your fingers. If things go awry, I take a step back and return to blogging-only until I feel brave enough to try again.
Being from the Seattle area, I'm used to rain. 364 day a year rain. I drive in it often and usually don't think to much of it. Like people who live in the mountains get used to driving in snow, us Seattle folks are quite used to driving in the rain. We don't have the experience of forgetting how to drive in the rain like thse California people do. Instead, we freak out at the sight of a single snowflake.
I do, however, hate driving in the driving, sideways rains which come down in sheets. The rain that blinds you completely in the instant the windshield wipers move out of the way. The rain that floods the roadways and hammers your vehicle, always accompanied by the wind, which shakes and vibrates your car as you, half blind, struggle to stay in your lane. The rain that makes you fear having to change lanes because you're afraid to look any direction but straight ahead. And don't forget the huge blasts of water, kicked up by cars in the oncoming lanes, which take two or more swipes of the windshield wipers to clear leaving you hoping against all hope that you're not about to drive right off the road, because, dammit, you can't see anything.
More than anything, I'm bothered by the sound this horrible rain makes. Every time we get a good rainstorm like the one I described above, I'm forced to turn up my radio as loud as I can take, in the hopes of drowning out that horrible sound. I once drove home from Portland, Oregon in one such rainstorm. I actually got so bothered by the noise that I put in a pair of earplugs and then turned up the stereo all the way.
I don't know what it is about the sound of heavy rain from the driver's seat of a car, but it makes me fell like I'm drowning... or in a submarine... or something equally unpleasant. It's a claustrophobic anxiety-inducing feeling.
I'm beginning to miss that long stretch of cold but dry days we had going for a while. Looks like wind and rain until July...
