Friday, February 21, 2014

Ghosts of Heartbreaks Past... a confessional post.

Been having a bit of a hard time this past few weeks. Car broke down, in trouble at work, allergies are back already and I can't hear a thing out of my left side. All of this has contributed to a melancholy mood and dredged up a bunch of old dirt that I had planned to leave laying dead where it was.

For some reason, I've been pondering love recently. Not practical, realistic love, which is a commitment rather than a feeling. No, I've been pondering infatuation and romantic love and why that feeling eventually goes away, either slowly or in a huge explosion of hurt. Of course, that got me thinking of all the men in my past who have left me emotionally wrecked.

Apparently, I have really bad taste in men. It's improved over the years, but I sure have picked a bunch of bums. Now it's time to admit more than I should to friends and strangers, just as a way to shake some of the weird stuff that decided to clog my thought processes this week.

There were the married men. Oh yeah. I admit it. 

Two of them. The first I saw for over three years. He introduced his wife to me as his ex-wife. Guess they had an arrangement because neither could afford to pay for the divorce. Things started getting serious when all of a sudden he played the "I need you to pay for my divorce" card. That guy got more than his share of karma and I prefer to not admit to having known him.

The second? It's even worse than a little fling. This happened, presumably, as a rebound after the first married man fiasco. Please understand, this was in my early 20's... I wasn't making good decisions about anything back then. He was so damn cute and sweet and funny. And totally married. I should have known better, but I fell hard for him and suffered for about six months before I would date again after that ended.

Which led to dating an old friend of an old friend. That ended badly too. Which coincided with my incessant chasing of another man who ignored my advances like a pro for years.

Finally, I ended up settling for someone who wasn't right, ending up married and divorced and much poorer and worse off emotionally for it.

In the end, that one guy who ignored my advances ended up giving me a chance. He's stuck with me now... and it was worth the effort.

You have to wonder why the fire and passion goes out of relationships so easily. The longing and need to be with someone somehow exponentially increases when it's a forbidden relationship. As does the heartbreak when everything blows up in the end. Oh, and the longing of a terrible crush that you can't shake.

Relationships are about 10% heart and 100% commitment. It doesn't seem that way in the beginning, but that's what it is. You fall into your routines and the next thing you know, that person you were so crazy passionate about, well, you start to look at them like anyone else you see everyday. Married folks: don't you ever wonder why you look forward to seeing friends or coworkers more than you do your spouse? You look forward to going home, but it's not because you can't wait to be with that person you once so passionately pursued and longed for constantly when you were apart.

You never want that feeling to go away. The feeling of a new, fresh relationship that keeps you wanting more. Yet it does. The fire you feel when you have a new crush - that should last forever. Doesn't the person you chose to be with forever deserve that passion?

It's probably mating instinct that causes those passionate feelings in a new relationship. Sure, there's something logical that explains why that level of emotions cannot continue in a permanent lifetime relationship. Either that or humans are easily bored with one another. Yes, relationships take work.

Hold it here. Work? As in what you should be paid to tolerate? Work.

One of my dreaded exes told me once that a relationship couldn't work if it was 50-50. If both aren't giving 100%, it's not going to work. Good advice, though it was shamefully coming from a player who had several secret girlfriends who I had suspicions about, but was happy enough to ignore. I was such a terrible fool. Once again, I really need to stop talking about *that* one. He had a serious Casanova complex and thought he was above the law, though he always advised others contrary to his actions.

Casanova man... well, he got what was coming to him. I figured out what happened to him by accident one day. I know where he is. I could contact him and let him know I forgive him for all the bullshit. If I wanted to. But honestly, I'm too embarrassed for having been involved with such a douchepuppy that I'd rather not think about it.

I digress.

You've probably heard the term "married, not dead." Yes, I get that. I look. I think, no, know, that hubby looks too. I've got my fandoms and my imaginary mancrushes. I just wish I had more passion in my life... though it's nice to not have the inevitable heartbreak on the downside.


"By definition, a crush must hurt. And they do. Just like the one I have on you."

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